Shou woke up gasping.
He couldn't stand it, laying there in the perpetual darkness of his trailer, listening to the breathing of his trailermates. So he grabbed his bottle of vodka and his carton of cigarettes and moved the party to the trailer step.
Somehow, he didn't notice the tears that were coming from him until they hit the dirt with fat splatters like raindrops.
But Shou's rambling and rattling had woken up Suu. He snuck from his bed, peeking out the door.
Trying his best to be quiet.
Delicate fingers fiddled with the hem of his shirt, long and pale and falling below his hips.
Shou was overtaken with a bad case of the shakes, trying to muffle sobs in his arm for several minutes before he got the distinct feeling he was being watched. He went silent and listened carefully. "You don't have to stare, Suu Fei," he said drily.
The small boy slid out from behind the door.
"Shou?" Suu's voice echoed out in the empty.
"You.. you okay?" His back was pressed against the side of the door, too intimidated to go sit next to Shou.
"I'm excellent," said Shou dully, stabbing out his cigarette in the dirt. "In fact, I think I'll go out dancing."
He heard and felt the space between them growing bigger, not wider but deeper, like a crevasse deep in icebergs. The risk of dropping Suu, should he offer his hand to tug him across to his space, was growing more and more dire.
Suu took small steps, small pitterpatters to Shou's side.
I know that was a stupid question..." He muttered, pulling to himself.
Shou shrugged, then gave Suu the bottle of vodka. It was mostly empty. "You can finish it off if you want." He wasn't looking at Suu. He naturally had an excuse, but he wouldn't have looked even if he didn't.
Suu looked at it, the clear glass in his hands.
The bottle was pretty.
So he poured out the slight end of vodka on the ground, watching it splatter.
"Nothing. I just had a crappy dream. And I'm slowly going crazy. The usual." Shou knew he should've cut off with the first word. Each sentence felt like it ought to have been the ending, but he just kept talking until he forced himself to stop. Shou hugged himself with bony elbows.
"And I can't do anything to help, right?" Suu shook his head, picking at the slightly bloodied bandages.
"The usual.." He muttered to himself.
"No. Not unless you'd like me to bore you with my dreams."
"If it will make you feel better.." Suu looked up at him.
"What was it about?"
"I was remembering... when I was a kid. And then I met Ban-Bao, but he slit my throat and left me in the wasteland to wander forever, holding my neck closed so I wouldn't leave a trailer of blood for the demons to find. If they found me, they'd come into the souund." Shou touched his throat, needing the confirmation it hadn't happened. "These days... I dream even when I'm awake. I see things vividly, but I can never, ever see the present again. I can see the past, and I can see my dreams... but..."
"Yeah?" Suu scooted towards him, eyes wide.
"The present... it's getting further and further away."
As are you.
Shou was hoping Suu would scoot closer. Maybe he would, if Shou could stop breathing so harshly (he was convinced he was, that the loudness would drive the boy away).
And Suu did.
He leaned up against Shou's boney elbow, looking up at the blank sky.
"I wish I could help you see straight.."
"Have you ever seen a hologram, when the transmission is breaking up?"
Carefully, so painfully carefully, Shou put his arma round Suu's shoulders.
"Once, when I was little...
Why?" His body loosened up in Shou's grasp.
Shou turned, his lips brushing the softness of Suu's hair. His hair smelled good. It must be that fancy shampoo he was so possessive of.
"When I'm with you... I feel like that. I'm wavering. Something might happen. I might disappear."
"Oh..." Suu frowned.
"I guess.. I should try to leave you alone, then.." He felt embaressed and stupid.
"Ugh." He burried his face in his hands.
"No." Shou felt Suu shrinking, and tugged the boy's hands out of his face. "I don't know how else to explain it. It's not bad... I'm just not sure what I'll turn into... if I change, because I've met you."
"Shou.." He muttered, embarassed. "Am.. Is it okay, if you change?
Do you want to change?"
"I don't know what I'll become... I don't want to become... some one who has... bad desires." Shou ran his fingertips over Suu's cheek, over his lips, and he knew that transformation had already happened.
What he feared was losing control of that desire.
"But it's okay to have desires.. you're just human." Suu looked at Shou ye, lips pouty.
Shou leaned close to those lips. The scent of Suu's shampoo was so sweet, it seemed to rise around him like smoke, twist and make things even hazier than usual. Shou wet his lips anxiously. "No, not if it means hurting some one," he murmured.
"What if I like to hurt?" Suu murmered.
"What if I can't break?" Voice feathery, lingering in the air.
"Then maybe it's not you I'm scared for," Shou whispered. He realized this to be revelation, and staved off any of his own reaction to the truth by closing the space between their lips in a kiss that was far less chaste than it acted.
Suu sighed into the other's mouth.
He pulled away, slightly.
"Then.. would I hurt you?"
"I know I'm being stupid," said Shou, which was really all the confirmation he needed to give.
Suu sunk down again.
"Yeah.. I guess I could fuck up..
"It's not that," said Shou, frowning. Something occurred to him, and he acted on the impulse after considering it a moment, taking Suu into his arms and pulling the smaller boy into his lap, threading fingers through his hair. "I am sure you would never really hurt me, but I'm a mess... Every moment, I would doubt if you should really be with some one like me."
"I couldn't subject you to that," said Shou, but he did not move away, did not break contact, did not really want to sever what was already between them.
"GOD SHOU! I'm tryyying to be understaaanding. What are you trying to say?" He whined, streching his body out.
"I care for you, I want you, but I just know I'm going to screw you up if I... if I do anything. You're so young and I'm so... horrible." Shou was tense and flexing. He withdrew, hugging himself as if the world had suddenly gone cold.
"I am not young!" Suu protested.
"Shou, you're so self-centered.. if you want me then do something about it." He huffed.
Shou grabbed Suu by the collar and threw him onto the ground roughly. Before the younger man could sit up Shou had him pinned, wrist above head. He kissed the boy feverishly, angrily, giving almost no space for either of them to breathe.
Suu's body bucked upward, his head hitting against the board heavily. He whined at first, trying to get used to the akward position.
Then realising what was happening.
Shou pulled away to yank the boy's shirt over his head. With deft fingers he used the shirt to tie up Suu's wrists tightly, somehow this reminded him of the suspension act, and made Shou want to laugh. Instead he was quiet, intense, exploring the planes of Suu's chest with his fingertips, in a rouch manner that often scratched and pinched in sensetive places.
Suu whined. He pushed his body upward again, biting his lip to stay quiet. He could smell Shou's hair, his skin. It was warm and clean, sweaty.
Suu Fei tried to make his body loosen up, but gave up and closed his blueblue eyes instead.
Shou was determined to memorize Suu's skin, placing kisses and licks over the places his fingertips caressed, nipping a thigh or grazing his tongue over a sensetive nipple. The more he touched, the more he wanted. He slid a hand into Suu's pants.
"Christ, Shou," Suu muttered, body shivering.
"Not on the fucking stoop.."
His hands found Shou's, trying to put a slight stop on him.
"Just not on the fucking stoop."
Still silent, Shou snatched Suu up and tugged him inside, to his little room, pushing Suu to sit on the edge of the bed. He knelt on the floor between Suu's legs, running his hands up his inner thighs, following the inseam of Suu's pajama pants and allowing his touch to linger and toy with a place Shou had long found himself curious about.
Suu whined again, looking to the side. He felt slightly safer in Shou's room, on his bed.
It was warmer. Suu hated the cold. A jitter went up his spine, body shaking.
Shou had grown considerably more gentle, though he did not untie Suu's hands, he was no longer forcing his weight onto the smaller boy. There was almost an air of solemnity about him as he pulled off Suu's pants and began exploring all that was now free to the air. Shou was dependant on his touch, convinced to make a picture of Suu of his skin, his soft and rigid places, the soft sounds he tried so hard not to make.
But he still had the bandages on his legs.
"I... I um.. wouldn't take thoes off.." He murmered, embaressed.
"It's.. not very pretty.." The small boy shivered.
Shou ran his finger over the bandages. "You're pretty to me," he concluded, pressing a kiss to Suu's inner thigh. He did not remove the bandages however, but sought to distract from that, running his hot tongue over Shou's sex.
Suu whined again.
"You.. you don't know what I look like.." He sniffed, body shaking.
"I know what you look like," insisted Shou, licking at a steady pace. "A few bandages are nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has flaws."
He began to suck.
Suu was more distracted by being in Shou's room then the man himself.
But he felt his body shiver suddenly, jerking forward.
"S-Shou?" He murmered, just loud enough for himself to hear. The small boy wiggled backwards, trying to push his weight back on something.
Shou's cot was rickety, but the matress was soft. It was shoved up against a wall, so Suu's back would meet the paneling of the car eventually. Shou looked up at Suu, the dark of the room making no difference to his gaze. "Something wrong?" Something in Shou's voice got a bit nasty. "You said I should do something."
"No." Suu quickly shot back, pushing against the wall.
"Nothing's wrong." He crossed his arms, bratty bratty.
"You're sure bratty for some one who's getting a free blowjob," Shou said with a laugh. "My looks must've really gone downhill." He couldn't credit it to anything else-- after all, at Suu's age he tried to get people on their knees for him as much as possible.
It probably wasn't his skill. Shou wasn't the type to brag, but he knew he was good at this stuff. He gave Suu's member firm polishes with his tongue as he continued to suck, trying to illicit some less-bratty noises from the younger man.
The boy just huffed, sitting with his arms crossed, body slumped.
Suu closed his eyes, not really thinking of anything, but noticing his legs weren't long enough to touch the ground.
A small whine, a body shake.
Shou took his time. The whole situation was surreal. He'd memorized Suu's scent long ago, held a particular mental image of the boy. Now his vision of the boy had to change, as he ran his tongue along his length or tasted salt at the tip, stroked and compared the inside of his thighs to his balls, all of that. Strange, how quiet Suu was being.
Looks like he'd finally found a way to shut the boy up.
Suu was quiet, body occationly shifting. He let out a deep sigh, hand moving to the top of Shou's head, fingers tangled in hair.
He closed his eyes, lips pursed.
Shou continued his ministrations, increasing his speed. Weird, all of this was so weird, but the feeling of Suu's hands in his hair was nice. It was... right.
Suu Fei finaly let out a whine, body shuddering and swaying foreward.
His voice was crackly and high-pitched, shaking.
Shou swallowed what Suu spilled quickly, then sat up on the bed, gathering the young man in his arms, petting his hair. He was quiet himself, wondering exactly how Suu was going to react to all of this.
The boy said nothing, just letting himself be wrapped up in Shou's arms.
He really didn't know what to say, curling up against him. It was warm, comfortable.
"You can stay here if you want," Shou murmured into Suu's hair, tugging them down under the covers of the bed.
"I was, regardless of your aproval.." Suu smirked, falling on his stomach.
Shou smiled faintly and gave Suu a squeeze.
The boy fell alseep soon after, tangled up in sheets.